Beta Day: 2009

It’s been two years. We still think about Beta almost every day, wondering what our life would have been like if he was here. Like we’ve done the last two years, we’ve spent today spending time as a family, and tonight we’ll make a special dinner to celebrate his short life.

We also have an announcement that we’ve been saving for today. Over the last couple months, we have been starting to seriously consider international adoption, for various reasons. This last week we started the application process with an organization called Loving Shepherd Ministries that helps to match families with adoption agencies. This doesn’t mean that we are definitely going to adopt, but it is a big step in that direction.

--The Oglesbee Family

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Not Made for Destruction

Today after lunch, Ian and I were playing with his trains in his room. (Ok, that could be said for every single day of my life, but whatever.) It was almost nap time, and I advised him to only get out some of his tracks instead of all of them so we would have more time to play. You would have thought I'd asked him to stand outside in the snow with no shoes for two days, or something equally abusive and horrific. Oh, the crying and screaming and thrashing about that ensued!

In the midst of this typically toddlerish tantrum, he began kicking and throwing around the tracks that were already out of their box. I was immediately reminded of something that our former pastor in Bloomington, Bob Whitaker, said in a recent sermon about the 6th commandment. He reminded us that we are made in the image of God, and therefore, are not made to destroy, but to create, reconcile, restore, and heal.

Try explaining that to an upset 3-year-old.

After Ian calmed down enough (and after a well-deserved 3-minute time-out), we cuddled in the rocking chair and talked about how God made us to help him take care of things and not to hurt them and other people. Surprisingly, he seemed to get it. We got up, went back to his room, and played happily (and constructively) with choo choos until nap time.

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Check out Bob's sermon in its entirety here. (23 minutes, 15 seconds)

Choices, choices

About a month ago, I blogged about the ideas we got from the book Parenting with Love and Logic. Since then, we've tailored some of their ideas to our own situation and personalities. One way we've done this is by using choices to help lead Ian to a result that is not an option. For instance, all the steps leading up to a nap are laden with choices for him. "Do you want to sit on the big potty or the little potty? Do you want the grey sweatpants or the green sweatpants? Do you want the blue blanket or the green blanket? Do you want the duck book or the doggie book?" The wonderful thing about all these choices is that none of the specifics matter to us. What does matter to us is that he's still going potty, he's still putting on sweatpants, and he's still going down for a nap, but he feels like he's a part of the process and does everything much more willingly.

For another example, Ian often likes to climb into his own car seat now, instead of being placed there by us, and when we try to force him into the seat because he's taking too long (playing with the buckles, etc.), it's a struggle, to say the least! However, if we simply say to him as we're approaching the car, "Ian, do you want to get in your car seat by yourself, or do you want Mommy/Daddy to put you in?", he can answer either way and he knows what to expect when he gets in the car. Getting in the car seat is not an option, but how he gets in there is. The "Do you want to ______, or do you want Mommy/Daddy to ______" is a very powerful tool. It puts him in the driver's seat while still putting him on the right road to where we want to go. It seems that it's all about setting the stage for the situation so he knows what to expect.

In dealing with undesired behavior, the choices also work quite well. If he's being exorbitantly loud at dinner, we calmly tell him, "You can either sit nicely and quietly in your chair, or you can play on the floor without food. Which do you want to do: eat or play?" If he chooses to eat, but continues to have inappropriate table manners (we're talking about things a 2-year-old reasonably has control over -- his mouth and loud antics), we gently take him down out of his chair and his supper is over, which means he probably goes to bed a little hungry. We've only had to do this once so far. An empty tummy is a powerful consequence to misbehavior related to food. However, a full tummy and the enjoyment of dinner is also a powerful consequence and motivation to straighten up. The trick is coming up with consequences that are applicable to the situation, and making it clear that the action leading to those consequences is his own choice.

I can't help but think that these choices are helping him become a more responsible individual, in the long run. I hope that the more situations he comes across to learn from his choices, the better choices he'll make as he gets older. All of this mixed with empathy and instruction about God's love may lead him in the right direction. I hope! Like my friend Anne says, it's kind of like "preventive" parenting: staying one step ahead of your child and predicting what might set him/her off, then being upfront with the child about the situation so that their actions really are their choice.

Love and Logic

I recently finished reading a book called Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. Surprisingly enough, I had never heard of this book, or anything associated with it. I now wonder what kind of bubble I've been living in!

Apparently, it's this huge organization similar to, but smaller than, Focus on the Family, that primarily deals with discipline of children, both for parents and teachers. I decided to read it for two reasons: 1) it came highly recommended by my friend Anne, and 2) I was, after only two years of parenting, feeling a like I was exhausting all the possibilities when it came to effective discipline/correction of Ian -- who, by the way, is not a "problem child" or anything, but simply has a stubborn streak in him that Eric and I feel needs to be channeled in the right directions. I wasn't sure that all of our time-outs, spankings, and loss of privileges -- however lovingly they were doled out -- were achieving that desired effect. I have to admit, though, I went into reading this book with a bit of skepticism. After reading through some of their articles online, I had come away with the feeling that it was all a little idealistic. Afterall, parenting, like any relationship, is not a cut-and-dried situation, and there are really no "magic" formulas that will work for every child.

However, after reading just the introduction to the book, I quickly began to see that the authors had no intention of endorsing any kind of "quick-fix," but were really just using biblical principles of enforcing consequences. While there was nothing completely revelational about Love and Logic for me, it did give me tips about how to better teach my child to make good decisions in his life, without pandering to either extreme of forcing him to do so and hoping he'll just "get it" someday. Here are some things that were made more clear to me while reading this book:

1. Natural consequences for a child's actions are often much more effective than outright correction/discipline, especially when paired with genuine empathy for the child who is suffering from them. This is not to say that Eric and I will stop punishing Ian for very serious offenses, especially if they have little to no natural consequences for him at this age (or if the consequences are life-threatening or just too large for him at this age), but it does give us a few more options for correction.

2. Modeling responsibility works far better than teaching with your words. This is the wake-up call that every parent needs to be reminded of day in and day out: Your kids are watching you, even when you don't realize it!

3. Providing a child with choices, especially when both of them are 100% ok with you, goes a long way toward bolstering their confidence in themselves. It's amazing the number of situations I've noticed that I can offer Ian a choice rather than making it for him, even at his very young age of two. It takes a lot of pressure off of me, and makes him feel like a "big boy." My friend Anne is especially adept at this skill with her kids and has been a really good example for me.

4. Choices and consequences can be paired together for an amazing chance to teach responsibility for one's own actions. By offering a child two choices, one with a good consequence and one with an undesirable consequence, they get to make the decision themselves. This also has the added benefit of communicating boundaries without being controlling. Putting "the ball in their court" to make the decision, again, takes the pressure off of the parent to control their child's actions (which we really can't do anyway). For the child, the learning comes in suffering through the consequences.

So maybe to those of you who are reading this, all of this seems like, "Well, duh." But for me, it's been an encouraging resource that has provided some insight that I was not expecting. I feel like, with these general guidelines, I can strike a balance in my relationship with Ian (and hopefully any subsequent children). After applying some of these principles to our parenting over the past week or two, Eric and I are already seeing results in Ian's behavior and attitude toward us. It's been fairly liberating to remove the pressure off of ourselves to make sure he behaves, and instead to encourage him to behave, all the while ensuring he experiences the consequences of his behavior, whether good or bad.

I have no illusions that we've got this parenting thing all figured out! I'm quite certain that we'll continue to wrestle with exactly the best way to guide Ian "in the way he should go," so that "when he is old, he will not turn from it" (Proverbs 22:6). By daily asking God for guidance and wisdom, we know that He'll teach us as we go along. I feel like this book, though, was an answer to that prayer for today.

Success!

Today marks a very important day in our family: Ian went the whole day in only one pair of underwear with no accidents!!! Needless to say, we are quite excited. As a testament to the considerable progress he's made in the past few weeks, here's a picture of his completed potty train:

Towards the end, he wasn't even asking for stickers after using the toilet, so when we got to the end of the chart a couple of days ago, we just stopped giving them to him, and he hasn't even noticed. Going to the bathroom "big boy style" is so much a part of his day by now, that he hardly gives it a second thought! He still loves reading books almost every time he's in there, but we enjoy that too because it's good time spent with him. All in all, potty training hasn't been that bad!

On a different note, I wanted to share with you all some pictures of Springtime in Bloomington. This year has been the prettiest we've ever seen here; Bloomington has certainly been living up to its name! The rain has come at just the right times and in the right manner to produce some amazing blooms all over town. Here are just a few of the pictures that I've taken in the past several weeks:

hyacinth & daffodil

forsythia & redbud

magnolia
dogwood

I absolutely LOVE spring! It's my favorite time of year. I didn't even get any pictures of the plethora of Bradford pear trees that line the streets of Bloomington, but let me assure you, they put on a stellar show this year as well. In our six years here, I've come to love the abundance of flowering trees and shrubs, as well as the the magnificent bulbs that Bloomington grows in early spring. I'm really going to miss living here.

the Potty Train

Since Ian is almost two, we're in the full-throws of potty training! It's actually been kind of fun, believe it or not. We've enjoyed watching him become more independent and aware. And while the many trips to the bathroom during the day get kind of tedious sometimes, we recognize that it's all a means to an end -- his eventual complete independence -- and that's a good thing. Here are some pictures of him enjoying his "potty time."

For help with how to go about this venture, we've taken information from our parents, our friends, and some books, and put it all together in our own way. One of the most helpful sources of information has been Jill M. Lekovic's book, Diaper-Free Before Three, the self-described "healthier way to toilet train and help your child out of diapers sooner." She outlines potty-training as a very gradual and natural process. As a pediatrician and a mother of three, she gives some wonderful tips that have helped us a lot in this whole adventure.

One tip we took from my parents, though, was the idea of a sticker chart, which they used on me when I was being potty-trained. While Lekovic doesn't recommend using actual rewards (besides verbal praise) for using the toilet, we kind of got in a rut with Ian where he just wasn't interested anymore. So I drew up this chart with two of his favorite things: a choo-choo and stickers. He really gets a kick out of putting a sticker on the chart after he's produced something in the toilet -- a little sticker for a "pee" and a bigger sticker for a "poo." It's always a big celebration when he's allowed to run bare-bottomed into the kitchen and attach a sticker to the train track. As you can see, in just the first five days, he really did well on his output! Since then, he's already rounded the corner of his choo-choo track and is well on his way to becoming potty trained. Hallelujah!
If anyone else has any ideas or tips you want to share, we're all ears!

Growing Up

Sometimes things happen which make me realize that Ian is growing up right in front of me. I was making supper this evening when I saw Ian go crawling down the hall to his room. A minute or so later, he came crawling back to the living room dragging something. When I reached a stopping point in my work, I went into the living room to see what he was up to. The first thing I saw was this:
Ian had arranged these pieces from his toolbox in a symmetrical pattern. This is actually quite impressive given that there are two of each color. I haven't sat down to figure out the probability of randomly generating a sequence like this, but the odds aren't actually that good.

Second, I looked up to see him sitting in one of the living room chairs with his face buried in a book, and he was talking to himself. It turns out that the thing he drug back to the living room was one of his books. The kid had gone to his room, picked out a book, brought it back to the living room, climbed into a chair, and started "reading" to himself. I just quietly walked back into the kitchen and resumed working...he didn't need me to entertain him.

P.S. Look how old he looks in this picture of him and Lisa...and how much he looks like Rob.